"Sometimes it would be bullying, someone being flat out like, “Oh, you faggot,” sometimes it would just be people being like, “Oh, you’re gay.”
Because of this, I spend most of my childhood convincing myself I was straight. The way I heard the word gay was as something other, something not relative to us, something that other people experience, something that’s foreign and almost mystical in a way. I never thought, I could be gay, I always thought, I’m not like that, I’m not one of those people I see on TV and read about it the newspapers. My dad works at Lewis and Clark, and he would always come home and talk about politics and gay rights, and the way he talked about it, it was like this other topic, very political, very news oriented. To think that it’s something that’s personal, almost non-celebratory, just something that’s within you never really occurred to me.
"And then when I did hit puberty and discovered that I was attracted to males it was really hard for me because I had spent so much time trying to convince myself I was straight."
I also realised I was attracted to women, and I had no idea what the term bisexual meant, I had no idea what the term queer was, I just knew gay and straight, that’s what I had been taught that’s what everyone knew, and it wasn’t until I got to highschool that I started hearing those terms. I started to think, wow, I could actually be like that. It was difficult for me to come to terms with that, especially because I spend so much time convincing myself I wasn’t like that. It was difficult for me to detach my personal experience from what I had heard on the news, and what I had seen on the media, and what kids on the playground had said about it. I don’t think I’ve gone through some extreme hardships but it still has been a struggle to discover that about myself and I’m still confused about it, and I know a lot of other people are too. In the future what’s important is not put as much stock into what your sexuality is and to just let kids be kids. Why, when we’re kids, is there this obsession with gay? When people make fun of it, I almost feel like they’re obsessed with not being gay, and that’s why they make fun of it. Why can’t kids just play and not have to attribute certain attitudes to sexuality.
I definitely don’t feel totally safe in school. I think that Milwaukie High School is a generally very safe place. The administration does care and the teachers do care, unlike many schools, and we do live in Oregon, we don’t live in the South, and yet, because of all these dangers that the world is full of, when I hear about school shootings I realize that there is not reason this couldn’t happen at Milwaukie High School. Yes, we have an officer on campus and yes we are told to be cautious, yet when these weapons are so accessible to so many people I feel as if, if something like that actually happened, that wouldn’t matter and there would still be a tragedy.
When I walk down the halls I see a lot of people who look like the average high schooler, and I don’t feel like I look or talk or act like the average high schooler in the sense that I’m not straight, I don’t fit into this idea. I always feel like I stand out and not necessarily in a good way. It brings me a lot of negative attention. I feel like whatever I do when I walk through the halls, people always notice me, and not in a way that I want to be noticed. I feel like I’m an other. And I know that other people feel that way as well. LGBTQ people have historically been victims of these kinds of crimes, and as someone who’s very openly queer, I am aware that in some ways I am more susceptible to these crimes. But there are many, many different groups that I fear their identity is correlated with being unsafe in school. I honestly think that any high schooler should be scared. My identity does have something to do with that fear, but I don’t think it’s everything.
I think it is important that people remain open minded about these topics and I think it’s important for people to know that we’re not trying to victimize anyone, we’re not trying to tell anyone that they’re racist or they’re homophobic, all we’re trying to do is make people aware that these issues are here, they are present; you walk by people who go through these struggles every day.
"Remember that all this is about is opening the school’s eyes and trying to make sure we do everything we possibly can to make sure everyone feels welcome."
Niels Truman